Tag Archives: choices

Woman of the Week – Dr. Isora Bosch: Tenacity Pays Off

It’s not easy to come to the United States as an immigrant; harder as a political refugee; harder without money and harder still as a minority within a minority. It wasn’t an easy path for a 14 year old thrust into a strange environment, but tenacity paid off and Dr. Bosch is now an internationally-recognized authority on post-traumatic stress. Isora’s experience as a black Cuban woman has provided her with increased sensitivity to the cultural aspects of traumatic experiences. She feels that

the difficulties we face because of our race in some cases and our ethnicity in others may create a great deal of confusion in regard to our sense of identity. This often leads to feelings of isolation, sadness, low self-esteem, fears of closeness and sometimes the inability to develop a sense of sisterhood with other women of color.

She realized that mental health professionals often overlook race and ethnicity and therefore miss areas where clients need help. Isora later put this knowledge to good use as she became the only mental health professional to successfully help the survivors of the Happy land fire in the Bronx. She understood that this primarily Honduran population would only be open to help linked to their religious and cultural beliefs and involved both the Church and local Santeria practitioners to reach out to the families.

Isora’s family came to the United States as political refugees long before the Mariel immigration. Although her father had been a banker and her mother a teacher, they arrived with nothing and had to start from scratch. Isora recalls making an arrangement for herself with an Italian bakery to get their leftovers,taking the principal into giving her a bus pass, haunting church bins for clothing and sifting through piles of shoe samples to find something that matched.

Her family had always stressed the importance of education, so Isora, despite limited fluency in English, managed to stay on the honor roll in school and eventually to receive a masters degree in Industrial Psychology and a doctorate in Adult Learning and Leadership, and, later, an masters in Clinical Social Work.

Although Isora likes to consider herself as retired, new projects keep flowing to her. For the past decade, she has been actively involved in providing stress management services to individuals affected by the events of 9/11.

Isora has never shied away from a challenge. And she never misses the opportunity for an adventure or a moment of pleasure. She’s organized trips to Portugal and Holland to celebrate her birthday. She’s likely to pull out her guitar and entertain party-goers with Flamenco songs.

In celebrating Isora, I celebrate all the women who never give up; who keep trying; who take risks; who speak up. In this week, as we remember the events of 9/11, it seems to be appropriate to recognize all the people who are still are helping others deal with the aftermath. And as we look ahead, it makes me feel inspired to know that tenacity pays off.

Move On!

How often do you make a decision and then second-guess yourself? Some of us over think everything. We make a decision, we’re comfortable with it, we take action. Should be the end of the story, right? Not for everyone.

Sometimes, though, it’s easy to get caught up in the other choices – the road not taken. What if? What if? What if?

It’s time to chase those gremlins off. Here are some questions that might be more productive:

1.What would have stayed the same or gotten worse if I did not make the choice I did? How would I feel about that?

2. How would I feel if I continued along the same path? About myself? Abut other people? About my work?

3. What did I learn from this choice? About myself? My process? Others involved?

4. How will I use what I learned moving forward?

5. What have I gained?

These seem like a good start at letting go and moving on. I’ll be using them myself.

It’s August – Come Back Later

August, in general, is hazy, hot and humid. In many European countries, almost everyone is on vacation. Sounds like a good idea to me!

I don’t think that I’m unusual in being eternally locked into the academic calendar. I start winding down in June, have some ambition in July, even as I begin to fill my calendar with festivals and free events, and just plain run out of steam in August. I’m caught somewhere between a frantic push to be sure I’ve had enough summer fun and an overwhelming desire to do absolutely nothing. Right now, doing nothing is winning.

In September, I’ll be rejuvenated. I’ll replace my office supplies and get all my projects lined up. I’ll be energized. I might even have a “first day of school” outfit to wear even if I’ll be wearing it in my home office.

But right now, it’s August and I’m appreciating the continued good performance of my air conditioner. There are watermelon slices and heirloom tomatoes to be eaten. Painted toenails to display. Street fairs. Popsicles. Trips to the beach. Outside cafes. Oh – and daydreaming. I plan to do a lot of daydreaming for the next couple of weeks.

August dreams, in my experience, often become September projects. So, I will write down or create voice memos to capture these dreams.

I plan to be very productive – right after Labor Day. For now, could you please pass the sunscreen and maybe pour another margarita?

Forgiven and Forgotten

I have come to the end of what has turned out to be an unproductive business relationship. It started out beautifully, as so many relationships do. We had dreams. We had high hopes. We thought that we had thought this through carefully.

So here’s what we didn’t have. We didn’t have a contract. We didn’t have a business plan. Most important though, we didn’t have clear communication. And we never worked hard enough at establishing this all-important tool.

But that’s a topic for another post. Today, I’m thinking about moving on. Unfortunately, as the partnership devolved, the friendship also diminished. I’m sure there’s much to be said on both sides. For me, though, forgetting is the most important task on my list.

The old truism is forgive and forget. I’m working on forgiven and forgotten. When thereis someone you don’t want in your life, why would you want them in your head? I’ve forgiven myself for errors in judgment. I’ve forgiven myself for holding expectations that might still have been unrealistic even if (I forgive myself) I had expressed them. I’ve forgiven my former partner for wrongs. Oth real and perceived.

Now, I want her to be forgotten. I want to remember and use the lessons I’ve learned, but I don’t want to ever think a out her again except perhaps a fond memory or two about our initial encounters, decades removed from this venture. I wish that the self–work around this was as simple as unfriending her on facebook. For the next month or so, I will pause and shift focus if she drifts into my thoughts. Thanks to my buddy coach, I’ve used. Isualizations to let go of resentment and will work through possible guilt, second-guessing and worrying possible mistakes like a terrier with a one.

Forgive and forget? Not so much. Forgive yourself and anyone else involved. Then do the harder work beyond forgiven to get to forgotten.

Accepting Help

I’ve always been fiercely independent, and don’t usually accept help from others. A truism in coaching is that we get clients who learn lessons we need to learn. After years of telling clients that they should accept help from other people, my recent hip replacement has given me the chance to explore my own difficulties with accepting help.

the first few days after the surgery, my hospital roommate and I were unable to do anything for ourselves. it felt strange. We both learned to be as grateful in receiving as our caregivers were in giving.

Coming home provided a new opportunity to explore receiving with grace as a series of friends has pitched in to help. It’s a new experience to not be able to bend over and grab things or to jump up to get something, and it could be frustrating if I let it. Instead, it has become a joyful acceptance.

I’m learning the grace of receiving. And it’s a blessing.

Where’s the Exit?

In response to my last post, Weeding the Friendship Garden, Caroline Ceniza-Levine, asked how to get out of relationships that were past their expiration date. This is always a difficult question, and I’m not sure I have the perfect answer. Here are a few ideas:

1. Avoid initiating contact. Sometimes, that’s enough. Even though you may think the other person wants to continue the relationship in the same way, they may simply be stuck in a pattern and be glad for the break.

2. See this person only as part of a group. This reduction of one-on-one time cam begin to create some space.

3. Introduce this person to someone else you think would be a good match. It’s a little like recycling an old boyfriend who was great, just not great for you. Can you suggest a mutually beneficial match?

4. Be busy. Be less accessible. Screen calls and answer when you want to speak to this person or when you have tie to listen to them. Even then, set limits. Be brief.

5. Be honest. Tell this person that you feel your lives have gone in such different directions that it’s hard to be there for each other. Tell the other person what you’ve valued most about them and how you will carry that into the future. Spend time reconfiguring the relationship. Just because someone isn’t in your inner circle, it doesn’t mean they have to be out of your life.

I should also point out that just because someone isn’t on your C chart (Comforters, Cheerleaders, Critics, Confronters) doesn’t mean they aren’t in your life. The chart is to help you define your go-to support network, not your entire social circle.

Weeding the Friendship Garden

How often do you stop to assess your relationships? Think about what you want out of them? Think about what you’re giving? Think about how – or if – you’re asking for what you want and need?

I use a four-square model to capture relationships. The categories are comforters, cheerleaders, critics and confronters. I try to have at least two people in each category and no one in more than one role. That’s not to say that these roles define my friendships, merely that these are my go-to people in certain circumstances. Cheerleaders provide unconditional support. Comforters are judgement-free shoulders to cry on. Critics are logical and able to help you develop plans. Confronters are ready to give you a swift kick when you aren’t living up to what you said you would do.

I try to check my relationships at least twice a year. It’s not about keeping score, more about being sure that my friends and I are getting what we need from each other. Like any garden, sometimes my friendship garden needs a bit of weeding.

Some relationships have withered due to inattention. Do I want to revive them or is it time to let them go? Some have become one-sided. Do I need to give more to this person or do I need to ask for what I need? Am I willing to have the frank, difficult conversation that might lead to change? Am I willing to accept that the relationship will never change and perhaps should go?

It’s always sad to lose a friendship. But, then, perhaps there was really nothing there anyhow. Perhaps the effort is – for one or both of us- more than we can handle right now. The core question becomes whether the cost of letting go is greater than the cost of hanging on.

Weeding is good. It leaves space for solid relationships to flourish. It leaves room for something new.

How is your garden growing?

The Kindness of Strangers

Maybe Blanche DuBois had it right. Depending on the kindness of strangers isn’t such a bad thing. I am dealing with a temporary mobility-limiting issue and have been using a cane for the last month or so. This has given me an excellent opportunity to observe the reactions of people I encounter and has left me occasionally needing their help.

There are people who will push past me to get on the bus first and others who motion me to go ahead of them. There are people who expect me to open the door for them and others who not only hold the door but wait patiently until I get there. There are people who regale me with tales of their own hip/knee surgery or the successful surgery and recovery of their friends/parents/colleagues.

A few incidents really stand out. Last week, I got into a conversation with the driver of my express bus. By the time I got off, she had taken my address so she could send me a get well card and promised that she would pray for a successful operation and send me things to make me know someone was thinking about me and to make me laugh as I recover.

At a music festival last weekend, a man came up to me to tell me that I would be much more comfortable if my cane was adjusted slightly – and proceeded to make the adjustment. He was right, by the way.

So, I once again have evidence of the truth that everything that happens has an effect on everything else. These simple acts of kindness made me feel wonderful, and, judging by the smiles on their faces, made the other person feel pretty good too.

I’ll be looking for more opportunities to do small things that make a difference. What will you do?

Down Time? Maybe it’s Up Time.

I’ve just finished reading Duanna Pang-Dokland’s Inspired and Prosperous. Her interviews with eleven coaches include some wonderful ideas for revitalizing your life, whether you’re a coach or not. One theme that stayed with me was the ongoing discussion of the ebb and flow of business.

Do you have down time? Is that what you call it? How do you view it? It strikes me that calling the lulls in my business “down time” is a bad beginning. Many people spoke about being resilient and keeping a positive outlook. Donna Karlin’s   response spoke to my heart. She doesn’t see it as down time. She sees lulls in client traffic as the perfect opportunity to write, to work on projects, to renew.

I loved this – a lull in traffic? It’s an up time! Shifting to the perspective of the gift of time for other pursuits epitomizes abundance thinking to me. I plan to look forward to those breaks in the frenetic pace of meetings and appointments to turn to my unfinished project pile. What a great opportunity to read more, to write more, to try that new recipe, clean out the closets, meet friends for lunch or a walk. I might even meditate. I might even finish knitting that sweater.

The possibilities are limitless.

You Might as Well Laugh

It’s May on the calendar and it’s been winter outside my window forever. Pretty much winter in my office too – I’ve got three layers of clothing on and the sandals in my closet are mocking me. No one I know actually saw the epic full moon Saturday because the cloud cover was so dense.
I started my morning and ended my day with two spectacular coaching calls. both clients had incredible breakthroughs and I was dancing. I’m still smiling.
But what I want to talk about is the time between those two calls. When I spoke to my own coach, I had a long, long list of complaints. And I just let loose with them. The list was so long that it made me laugh – and that’s how the call ended – with both of us sharing a lovely, long laugh. Sometimes, when things seem really bad and you can’t see a way out, you might as well laugh. So we did.
It was a very full day. I had six client calls that followed the same pattern. The clients all work for the same organization and are suffering various degrees of stress and overload in the wake of several significant retirements and two waves of layoffs. One has a boss who is prone to shouting. Another has an ever-increasing workload. A third has a subordinate who has taken passive-aggressive behavior to new levels. We’ve been working through these and similar issues with varying degrees of success. Today, though, was pretty much about complaining.
I let everyone vent. Sometimes, that’s the best coaching – just listen and go along for the ride. And I encouraged it. Exaggerated it. Egged them on. Until they laughed. Six depressed people became six people who were able to find some humor in their situation.
Sometimes – often, really, we can work on ourselves or with our coaches or with our clients to craft brilliant action plans. Sometimes we can take some baby steps towards change. And sometimes, we just can’t. And when you can’t, you can at least shift the mood.
When the going gets tough, you might as well laugh.

Previously posted on the Expanding Your Comfort Zone blog.