Category Archives: choices

No, 60 Isn’t the New 40 (Revisited)

This is a story about my new shower curtain liner. And age and agility.

I’m sixty seven and I’m proud of my age. I don’t mind a few crinkles around my eyes or even that things are not necessarily in their original locations (ah, gravity). I don’t think that 60 is the new 40. On the other hand, I don’t believe that 60 is old. I don’t think age defines what we can or can’t do, but maybe sometimes it’s good to be a tad more careful.

So why is this about a shower curtain liner? My old liner had gotten dingy and seemed to plan to stay that way, so I went out and got a new one. No problem – I didn’t mind having no shower curtain overnight because the drying rack was in the tub (yes, some of us still do hand laundry).

Fast-forward to the next day. I decided that I wanted a quick shower. No problem – I moved the drying rack and then realized that I hadn’t put up the shower curtain.

OK – this is easy, right. Not so much, it turns out. At 40, I easily balanced on the rim of the tub. Today, it made me shaky. And dizzy. OK – stepladder. Not as much of an improvement as I’d hoped, but it works.

Now, somehow, I’m not lining up the hooks correctly. It takes three tries to have them in the right spaces. Not necessarily a standing on a stepladder task, perhaps. This is taking a lot longer than I’d expected. Should have considered the ladder.

Task completed. But it reminds me that 60 is not the new 40. While long walks and dancing stay on the agenda, maybe there will be fewer substitutions for actual ladders. Or – I have more money than I did at 40 – I can pay someone to climb and lift and carry.

I know that some 90 year-olds run marathons. I wouldn’t have been able to do that at 20 and I don’t want to. A friend can still do a cartwheel at 70. Now that’s something I aspire to. And maybe even go nyah-nyah – bet you thought I couldn’t do it AT MY AGE afterwards.

There are all kinds of distinctions. And just because at 25 I didn’t have the sense to realize that I couldn’t lug a 30 pound turkey a mile doesn’t mean I haven’t developed a little judgement over the decades. I believe in shopping carts and the occasional car service when I can’t just get something delivered. And I believe in shopping online.

I’m saving my energy for the good stuff – vacations, parties, nights out with friends, long walks. And I’m admitting that there are both things I don’t want to do and things I can’t easily do. And, more and more often, I think I’ll choose not to do those things.

Hey – I earned it – don’t bother me!

Living the Good Life Debt Free

There’s a lot of excellent advise available about how to live debt free. And most of it just sounds painful. Now, I’m all for having no debts and am working on it as hard as I can – not there yet, but will be. The problem is, most of what you read makes it sound like you’ll need to give up anything that is remotely fun and live on bread and water. Maybe just water.

Over the past few months, I’ve been reminded that it just isn’t so. As I continue to whip out my debit card instead of my credit card, I smile gleefully at the thought of the inters I’m saving. I’ve cut back a little – but not a lot – on taking myself out, buying myself toys, traveling, and, in general, enjoying life. I’ve upped the payments on my credit cards for more than a year now and love seeing the balances slide ever closer to zero. As I said, I’m getting there.

This week, though, I had the opportunity to see what it looks like to be there. I’m visiting family in Georgia, and my niece and her husband completed this journey a while ago. Except for having a mortgage, they are debt free. And they are living a life that anyone could be proud of. The two of them and three dogs share a fairly small yet very nicely appointed and spacious enough home. They both are great cooks – he smokes meat a mean piece of beef and she is great at everything else – and no strangers to gourmet stores and local farmers. (A little Valharon molten chocolate cake to top off that dinner?)

We spent an afternoon being chauffeured around by her in a spacious rental car as we visited a couple of local vineyards and discussing her plans for the future, which include a week in Italy and in the next few years buying a new house with enough property to raise animals. A very nice life.

So, as I sit here typing on my new MacBook Air, purchased with a credit card, yes, and then paid off two hours later, I contemplate my own debt free future. It’s nice to know that I’ll get there. And nicer to know that the path I’ve chosen is a sound one – room for fun, good food, adventures and still dwindling balances.

Trying Serendipity

I love it when things just appear exactly when I need them, don’t you? This has been a week of serendipitous happenings – from perfect people showing up to something as simple as the perfect tomato. I’m just dancing!

On Saturday, I called a friend to check on the date of a street fair that turns out to be next week. There was another fair that Saturday, though, and my friend had an unexpected empty space in her normally packed schedule, so we were able to spend a beautiful afternoon together. The weather conspired in our favor and it was one of those perfect, cool, breezy September days. We had a wonderful stroll, admired many beautiful things and managed to buy none of them.

We needed coffee, though, and on the way discovered a new store, where I found the perfect dress for an upcoming event. And, on a side trip to check on a second dress (that turned out to be wrong for me), I discovered the perfect shoes to go with the dress.

The day before, a quick trip to the Greenmarket yielded some perfect tomatoes and a bargain – delicious – lunch at a new pizza place.

Sunday, completing the last of the seasonal closet switch-over led to the discovery of my long-lost silk thermals and a favorite shirt I thought was long gone.

A brief check-in to plan a meeting this morning led to the discovery of a perfect interview for my book project, an invitation to join a group, and this week’s Woman of the Week.

The more good things come along, the happier I’m feeling. And the happier I’m feeling, the more good things appear. It feels like magic, but it isn’t really. If you’re looking for the good, you’ll see the good. If you come to expect wonderful surprises, well, there they are.

There will be gloomy days, rainy days, frustrating days, overwhelmed days, I’m sure. And it will be tempting to wallow and look for the negative. And see the negative. And expect the negative.

And on those days, I’m trying serendipity.

Woman of the Week – Dr. Isora Bosch: Tenacity Pays Off

It’s not easy to come to the United States as an immigrant; harder as a political refugee; harder without money and harder still as a minority within a minority. It wasn’t an easy path for a 14 year old thrust into a strange environment, but tenacity paid off and Dr. Bosch is now an internationally-recognized authority on post-traumatic stress. Isora’s experience as a black Cuban woman has provided her with increased sensitivity to the cultural aspects of traumatic experiences. She feels that

the difficulties we face because of our race in some cases and our ethnicity in others may create a great deal of confusion in regard to our sense of identity. This often leads to feelings of isolation, sadness, low self-esteem, fears of closeness and sometimes the inability to develop a sense of sisterhood with other women of color.

She realized that mental health professionals often overlook race and ethnicity and therefore miss areas where clients need help. Isora later put this knowledge to good use as she became the only mental health professional to successfully help the survivors of the Happy land fire in the Bronx. She understood that this primarily Honduran population would only be open to help linked to their religious and cultural beliefs and involved both the Church and local Santeria practitioners to reach out to the families.

Isora’s family came to the United States as political refugees long before the Mariel immigration. Although her father had been a banker and her mother a teacher, they arrived with nothing and had to start from scratch. Isora recalls making an arrangement for herself with an Italian bakery to get their leftovers,taking the principal into giving her a bus pass, haunting church bins for clothing and sifting through piles of shoe samples to find something that matched.

Her family had always stressed the importance of education, so Isora, despite limited fluency in English, managed to stay on the honor roll in school and eventually to receive a masters degree in Industrial Psychology and a doctorate in Adult Learning and Leadership, and, later, an masters in Clinical Social Work.

Although Isora likes to consider herself as retired, new projects keep flowing to her. For the past decade, she has been actively involved in providing stress management services to individuals affected by the events of 9/11.

Isora has never shied away from a challenge. And she never misses the opportunity for an adventure or a moment of pleasure. She’s organized trips to Portugal and Holland to celebrate her birthday. She’s likely to pull out her guitar and entertain party-goers with Flamenco songs.

In celebrating Isora, I celebrate all the women who never give up; who keep trying; who take risks; who speak up. In this week, as we remember the events of 9/11, it seems to be appropriate to recognize all the people who are still are helping others deal with the aftermath. And as we look ahead, it makes me feel inspired to know that tenacity pays off.

Move On!

How often do you make a decision and then second-guess yourself? Some of us over think everything. We make a decision, we’re comfortable with it, we take action. Should be the end of the story, right? Not for everyone.

Sometimes, though, it’s easy to get caught up in the other choices – the road not taken. What if? What if? What if?

It’s time to chase those gremlins off. Here are some questions that might be more productive:

1.What would have stayed the same or gotten worse if I did not make the choice I did? How would I feel about that?

2. How would I feel if I continued along the same path? About myself? Abut other people? About my work?

3. What did I learn from this choice? About myself? My process? Others involved?

4. How will I use what I learned moving forward?

5. What have I gained?

These seem like a good start at letting go and moving on. I’ll be using them myself.

It’s August – Come Back Later

August, in general, is hazy, hot and humid. In many European countries, almost everyone is on vacation. Sounds like a good idea to me!

I don’t think that I’m unusual in being eternally locked into the academic calendar. I start winding down in June, have some ambition in July, even as I begin to fill my calendar with festivals and free events, and just plain run out of steam in August. I’m caught somewhere between a frantic push to be sure I’ve had enough summer fun and an overwhelming desire to do absolutely nothing. Right now, doing nothing is winning.

In September, I’ll be rejuvenated. I’ll replace my office supplies and get all my projects lined up. I’ll be energized. I might even have a “first day of school” outfit to wear even if I’ll be wearing it in my home office.

But right now, it’s August and I’m appreciating the continued good performance of my air conditioner. There are watermelon slices and heirloom tomatoes to be eaten. Painted toenails to display. Street fairs. Popsicles. Trips to the beach. Outside cafes. Oh – and daydreaming. I plan to do a lot of daydreaming for the next couple of weeks.

August dreams, in my experience, often become September projects. So, I will write down or create voice memos to capture these dreams.

I plan to be very productive – right after Labor Day. For now, could you please pass the sunscreen and maybe pour another margarita?

Forgiven and Forgotten

I have come to the end of what has turned out to be an unproductive business relationship. It started out beautifully, as so many relationships do. We had dreams. We had high hopes. We thought that we had thought this through carefully.

So here’s what we didn’t have. We didn’t have a contract. We didn’t have a business plan. Most important though, we didn’t have clear communication. And we never worked hard enough at establishing this all-important tool.

But that’s a topic for another post. Today, I’m thinking about moving on. Unfortunately, as the partnership devolved, the friendship also diminished. I’m sure there’s much to be said on both sides. For me, though, forgetting is the most important task on my list.

The old truism is forgive and forget. I’m working on forgiven and forgotten. When thereis someone you don’t want in your life, why would you want them in your head? I’ve forgiven myself for errors in judgment. I’ve forgiven myself for holding expectations that might still have been unrealistic even if (I forgive myself) I had expressed them. I’ve forgiven my former partner for wrongs. Oth real and perceived.

Now, I want her to be forgotten. I want to remember and use the lessons I’ve learned, but I don’t want to ever think a out her again except perhaps a fond memory or two about our initial encounters, decades removed from this venture. I wish that the self–work around this was as simple as unfriending her on facebook. For the next month or so, I will pause and shift focus if she drifts into my thoughts. Thanks to my buddy coach, I’ve used. Isualizations to let go of resentment and will work through possible guilt, second-guessing and worrying possible mistakes like a terrier with a one.

Forgive and forget? Not so much. Forgive yourself and anyone else involved. Then do the harder work beyond forgiven to get to forgotten.

Accepting Help

I’ve always been fiercely independent, and don’t usually accept help from others. A truism in coaching is that we get clients who learn lessons we need to learn. After years of telling clients that they should accept help from other people, my recent hip replacement has given me the chance to explore my own difficulties with accepting help.

the first few days after the surgery, my hospital roommate and I were unable to do anything for ourselves. it felt strange. We both learned to be as grateful in receiving as our caregivers were in giving.

Coming home provided a new opportunity to explore receiving with grace as a series of friends has pitched in to help. It’s a new experience to not be able to bend over and grab things or to jump up to get something, and it could be frustrating if I let it. Instead, it has become a joyful acceptance.

I’m learning the grace of receiving. And it’s a blessing.

Where’s the Exit?

In response to my last post, Weeding the Friendship Garden, Caroline Ceniza-Levine, asked how to get out of relationships that were past their expiration date. This is always a difficult question, and I’m not sure I have the perfect answer. Here are a few ideas:

1. Avoid initiating contact. Sometimes, that’s enough. Even though you may think the other person wants to continue the relationship in the same way, they may simply be stuck in a pattern and be glad for the break.

2. See this person only as part of a group. This reduction of one-on-one time cam begin to create some space.

3. Introduce this person to someone else you think would be a good match. It’s a little like recycling an old boyfriend who was great, just not great for you. Can you suggest a mutually beneficial match?

4. Be busy. Be less accessible. Screen calls and answer when you want to speak to this person or when you have tie to listen to them. Even then, set limits. Be brief.

5. Be honest. Tell this person that you feel your lives have gone in such different directions that it’s hard to be there for each other. Tell the other person what you’ve valued most about them and how you will carry that into the future. Spend time reconfiguring the relationship. Just because someone isn’t in your inner circle, it doesn’t mean they have to be out of your life.

I should also point out that just because someone isn’t on your C chart (Comforters, Cheerleaders, Critics, Confronters) doesn’t mean they aren’t in your life. The chart is to help you define your go-to support network, not your entire social circle.

Weeding the Friendship Garden

How often do you stop to assess your relationships? Think about what you want out of them? Think about what you’re giving? Think about how – or if – you’re asking for what you want and need?

I use a four-square model to capture relationships. The categories are comforters, cheerleaders, critics and confronters. I try to have at least two people in each category and no one in more than one role. That’s not to say that these roles define my friendships, merely that these are my go-to people in certain circumstances. Cheerleaders provide unconditional support. Comforters are judgement-free shoulders to cry on. Critics are logical and able to help you develop plans. Confronters are ready to give you a swift kick when you aren’t living up to what you said you would do.

I try to check my relationships at least twice a year. It’s not about keeping score, more about being sure that my friends and I are getting what we need from each other. Like any garden, sometimes my friendship garden needs a bit of weeding.

Some relationships have withered due to inattention. Do I want to revive them or is it time to let them go? Some have become one-sided. Do I need to give more to this person or do I need to ask for what I need? Am I willing to have the frank, difficult conversation that might lead to change? Am I willing to accept that the relationship will never change and perhaps should go?

It’s always sad to lose a friendship. But, then, perhaps there was really nothing there anyhow. Perhaps the effort is – for one or both of us- more than we can handle right now. The core question becomes whether the cost of letting go is greater than the cost of hanging on.

Weeding is good. It leaves space for solid relationships to flourish. It leaves room for something new.

How is your garden growing?