Category Archives: action

In the past few months, more people than usual have been asking me to do things. Sound familiar? Somehow, projects seem to come in clusters, don’t they. And somehow, it’s easy to forget how many projects I’ve already said yes to. And somehow, it’s hard to say no.

So, sometimes I feel like this –

Put-upon. Very, very put-upon. And resentful. Very, very resentful. Why?
It’s so easy to go to a negative space. Why me? Why couldn’t they ask someone else? Don’t they see how busy I am?

Sometimes I feel resentful. Especially when the person asking doesn’t seem willing to take no for an answer. Or tells me that they’ve managed to fit one more thing into their busy life. Or tells me I’ll have lots of support. Or tells me it will be good for me to take on this responsibility.

I knew that I had work to do if I wanted to say no cleanly to the latest request. So, of course, I called my coach. We teased out my reactions. We looked at the motivations I was ascribing to other people. We eliminated several pounds of unwelcome mind-chatter.

I had been feeling tricked because the scope of the project was revealed in bits and pieces. I had been feeling angry that other people seemed to feel they knew what was best for me. As we peeled away the levels, I found myself laughing about the situation.

No one was acting out of malice or bad motives. They simply found a way to solve an organizational problem. They were putting the organization first. And, having found a workable solution (from their viewpoint) were not willing to move on to another. With my coach’s help, I was able to see that that was them. Not me. The solution works well for them. Not me. And, essentially, their need to move on is really not my problem. It’s theirs.

So, I’m going to use that word I’m always telling my clients they need to use. No. Yes, I am flattered; yes, I do understand why you asked me, but no. I can’t do this right now. Thank you for asking.

If they are disappointed, they will deal with it and move on. I will not hold their disappointment. I will not feel guilty for taking care of myself. In fact, I’m absolutely delighted to acknowledge my capacity and – yes – limitations.

I knew what I wanted all along. With a little great coaching, I was able to be comfortable with my decision – to make it without guilt or resentment.
Taking the time to examine my feelings and separate facts from stories and reframe made all the difference.

And now I feel like this –

*Previously posted on the Expanding Your Comfort Zone blog.