Tag Archives: Relationships

Forgiven and Forgotten

I have come to the end of what has turned out to be an unproductive business relationship. It started out beautifully, as so many relationships do. We had dreams. We had high hopes. We thought that we had thought this through carefully.

So here’s what we didn’t have. We didn’t have a contract. We didn’t have a business plan. Most important though, we didn’t have clear communication. And we never worked hard enough at establishing this all-important tool.

But that’s a topic for another post. Today, I’m thinking about moving on. Unfortunately, as the partnership devolved, the friendship also diminished. I’m sure there’s much to be said on both sides. For me, though, forgetting is the most important task on my list.

The old truism is forgive and forget. I’m working on forgiven and forgotten. When thereis someone you don’t want in your life, why would you want them in your head? I’ve forgiven myself for errors in judgment. I’ve forgiven myself for holding expectations that might still have been unrealistic even if (I forgive myself) I had expressed them. I’ve forgiven my former partner for wrongs. Oth real and perceived.

Now, I want her to be forgotten. I want to remember and use the lessons I’ve learned, but I don’t want to ever think a out her again except perhaps a fond memory or two about our initial encounters, decades removed from this venture. I wish that the self–work around this was as simple as unfriending her on facebook. For the next month or so, I will pause and shift focus if she drifts into my thoughts. Thanks to my buddy coach, I’ve used. Isualizations to let go of resentment and will work through possible guilt, second-guessing and worrying possible mistakes like a terrier with a one.

Forgive and forget? Not so much. Forgive yourself and anyone else involved. Then do the harder work beyond forgiven to get to forgotten.

Where’s the Exit?

In response to my last post, Weeding the Friendship Garden, Caroline Ceniza-Levine, asked how to get out of relationships that were past their expiration date. This is always a difficult question, and I’m not sure I have the perfect answer. Here are a few ideas:

1. Avoid initiating contact. Sometimes, that’s enough. Even though you may think the other person wants to continue the relationship in the same way, they may simply be stuck in a pattern and be glad for the break.

2. See this person only as part of a group. This reduction of one-on-one time cam begin to create some space.

3. Introduce this person to someone else you think would be a good match. It’s a little like recycling an old boyfriend who was great, just not great for you. Can you suggest a mutually beneficial match?

4. Be busy. Be less accessible. Screen calls and answer when you want to speak to this person or when you have tie to listen to them. Even then, set limits. Be brief.

5. Be honest. Tell this person that you feel your lives have gone in such different directions that it’s hard to be there for each other. Tell the other person what you’ve valued most about them and how you will carry that into the future. Spend time reconfiguring the relationship. Just because someone isn’t in your inner circle, it doesn’t mean they have to be out of your life.

I should also point out that just because someone isn’t on your C chart (Comforters, Cheerleaders, Critics, Confronters) doesn’t mean they aren’t in your life. The chart is to help you define your go-to support network, not your entire social circle.

Weeding the Friendship Garden

How often do you stop to assess your relationships? Think about what you want out of them? Think about what you’re giving? Think about how – or if – you’re asking for what you want and need?

I use a four-square model to capture relationships. The categories are comforters, cheerleaders, critics and confronters. I try to have at least two people in each category and no one in more than one role. That’s not to say that these roles define my friendships, merely that these are my go-to people in certain circumstances. Cheerleaders provide unconditional support. Comforters are judgement-free shoulders to cry on. Critics are logical and able to help you develop plans. Confronters are ready to give you a swift kick when you aren’t living up to what you said you would do.

I try to check my relationships at least twice a year. It’s not about keeping score, more about being sure that my friends and I are getting what we need from each other. Like any garden, sometimes my friendship garden needs a bit of weeding.

Some relationships have withered due to inattention. Do I want to revive them or is it time to let them go? Some have become one-sided. Do I need to give more to this person or do I need to ask for what I need? Am I willing to have the frank, difficult conversation that might lead to change? Am I willing to accept that the relationship will never change and perhaps should go?

It’s always sad to lose a friendship. But, then, perhaps there was really nothing there anyhow. Perhaps the effort is – for one or both of us- more than we can handle right now. The core question becomes whether the cost of letting go is greater than the cost of hanging on.

Weeding is good. It leaves space for solid relationships to flourish. It leaves room for something new.

How is your garden growing?

Family Ties and Celebrations

I’ve just returned from a weekend in the Boston area that was filled with family. We had gathered for Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah – family from up and down the east coast and a contingent from Israel.

There were many wonderful moments of connecting, reconnecting and deepening connections. There were a series of joyous moments watching the Bat Mitzvah girl blossom into womanhood before our eyes as she described her charity project, explained the halftorah and shared the significant moments of her life and the lessons she will carry forward.

There was the fun of watching the two expectant mothers – sisters-in-law, love and spirit – sharing the moment, rejoicing over each others gifts and planning for the arrival of a boy and a girl who are scheduled to appear within a week of each other.

There was my own joy in deepening bonds with my cousins and discovering new members of the expanded family.

My favorite moment, though, was listening to my aunt reflect at the end of the weekend. As she sat in the first row of the temple, she looked around her at her children, grandchildren and extended family and realized that she had created all this. The mother of four, grandmother of five with six and seven on the way, in this moment she, for the first time, experienced herself as the matriarch of our family. She’s now the most senior member and has come into full realization of her accomplishments and pride in her extended family. She’s excited about being a part of the future of her grandchildren. Her glow matched the mothers-to-be.

So, even as I celebrated my cousins over the weekend, today I celebrate my aunt. I remember how all my girlfriends wanted to grow up to be just like her. I am awed by how she managed four children as a single parent. I am amazed at how she maintained an active career until just a few months ago.

And I celebrate my family and our collective and individual futures.

Are You Lonely Tonight?

Single women in New York City are always busy. And they almost always seem to be in pairs. The younger ones are dating or meeting their friends for drink mostly unless they’re off to the gym or to run or bike or skate in Central Park. The older ones are meeting friends for dinner or movies or theater or are at a museum. They all shop, but that can be a solitary pursuit.

So, all this business gives the impression that New York women are both self-sufficient and socially fulfilled. Is this really true? If you eavesdrop a bit (a socially acceptable and extraordinarily satisfying perk of solo dining) you may hear a different story.

 

Two young women, overheard in a tony Pan-Asian place, were taking about the lack of friendships in their lives. Both were young enough to still be going back to the family home many weekends. They did this to spend time with their folks and just chill out a bit. Their high school friends? No longer interesting. Nothing in common any more. College friends? Seen only at yet another wedding. Both women concluded that if it weren’t for a very few close friends (who they never saw often enough) and work friends, they would have no one. Both women found this upsetting; neither had a good solution. Life, they felt, was just too busy to cultivate friends.

Fast forward about forty years to two other friends splitting an entree after a museum afternoon. They too were talking about a lack of friends. So many of their friends were homebound, caring for ailing spouses or parents. Some had moved away to warmer environments. Some were just too tired after work to go out again. Some were too financially strapped to manage as many nights out as they used to.

Is this a New York thing? Does it vary by neighborhood? Or is this what we’ve become? Articles abound on the aging of FaceBook. Tweeting has become the new conversation for many. Will our friendships become increasingly virtual?

There’s a sense of community on the express bus I often take into Manhattan. Some of the ladies are not only actively in conversation on their own bus, but on their phones to buddies on other buses. Some, early on the route, provide wake-up calls for others further down the run. These women dine together, go off to Atlantic City every so often, and share each other’s triumphs and sorrows.

The Transition Network started Peer Groups so that women over fifty could come together with their peers for monthly conversations about life transitions. These monthly meetings have become the lifeblood of the organization.

Maybe it’s time for us all to pay a little more attention to building community. Can we start speaking to our neighbors again? Volunteer someplace? Build new kinds of community? Don’t be lonely tonight!