Category Archives: women

Midlife – At the Cusp? A Few Hints.

What happens when, at mid-life, you wake up feeling that there must be something more? Anne’s story provides some clues. Anne went from jet mechanic in the military to legal secretary to sales professional to sales management back to sales professional. In her last career, she was doing recycling – “which is pretty much, you know, what kind of trash can I buy? And now I’m doing technology sales.”

When she “got fed up” with technology sales and was also transitioning through menopause, she walked away from her job and detoured into recycling before moving into technology sales. She said:
“I moved into technology sales because I was ready for a change, but I don’t like it. I find that these kids – and they are – just kids – they’re half my age and they just don’t get it I was taught that when you’re at a job you run it for profit and you follow business ethics and you don’t cut corners. You don’t cut throats, you respect one another. There’s two type of people – there’s the kind – you know, when you walk into a furniture store and they’re all can I help you, can I help you and then there’s the kind of sales person who wants to build a relationship and develop that relationship. These kids don’t get relationship sales. They have this what’s in it for me mentality and I just got fed up with the whole environment. I was just fed up with these whiny, backstabbing kids. They aren’t taught that businesses are run for profit – that you run it as if it’s your own business – they don’t have that mentality. They have a drama queen mentality.”

This might have been a great place to do some research and some reassessment. When you suddenly feel out of place, one first step is to find out more about the people surrounding you. There are excellent resources for understanding Gen X and Gen Y. Are they truly a whiny bunch or do they simply think and express themselves differently? The newest cohorts in the workplace don’t defer to authority the way older workers do. They express their ideas and opinions. They look for ways to improve processes and they move quickly. Perhaps understanding this might have helped Anne.

Reassessment should be part of every life transition. Who are you now? What do you want? Anne did this:

“It was a real journey. Yeah – I really started to look at me as me. I mean, me as a bottom-feeder. You know, I guess I really allowed myself to feel kicked down. It lasted until I decided to get back into technology sales. Which was 13 months. And I don’t know if it was brought on by menopause – I mean, I really and truly don’t what brought that on – or post-menopause.
I didn’t realize that was my next journey – my next transition, if you will. And it was a transition, because I did feel completely kicked down. I read a lot of therapy books. And start seeing a psychologist – a psychiatrist . I mean, literally, to pick myself back up. I’ve spent this whole year reading all kinds of books. I read The Art and Science of Communication: Tools for the Effective Communication in the Workplace by P.F. Perkins – she really did do a good job writing about interracial – or different groups – she writes about working with these young kids, The Last Lecture- everybody knows that was a good book, by Randy Pausch, The Secret – and then I found a really good tape called The Secret Things to God – every Sunday now I’m pretty darned religious. I don’t know that that had popped out, but now it’s back in. Keeping the Love You Find, 7 Habits of Effective People, The Power of Positive Thinking, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Giving the Love that Heals. I mean, I was really kicked down. I really, um – Your Perfect Right, which was an excellent book by Albert Nevins.”

And she found a good therapist:

“When I was growing up – and I’m a 60’s child – late 60’s , early 70’s is when I graduated, and coming from California, Haight-Ashbury – and I know that growing up I’d always heard about a generation gap. Well that’s what I feel I’m caught up in right now. It is a generation gap. And that’s what prompted me to start seeing Dr. B – was that there was such a communication gap between myself and my peers and these younger kids.”

There are great self-help books, excellent therapists, wonderful workshops and brilliant coaches all out there for you. I love Suzanne Braun Levine’s Inventing the Rest of Our Lives. A big portion of my own coaching practice involves working with women at midlife who want to sort out what’s next. As Anne says,

“Let’s just say when you’re kicked down, it’s a a journey to pick yourself back up. It really is. And it’s a lot of self-assessment. And its not so much of looking backwards. Its living in the now and what can I do to adjust to the now.”

Feeling down? Confused? Here are a few resources available to you at www.susanrmeyer.com/free-resources/:

Creating Your Goal Blueprint Part 1: Tips From a Life Architect
Having trouble creating a clear action plan? Visualizing your goals in detail? As a Life Architect, I’ve noticed that a few simple steps can change vague plans into a detailed blueprint, a clear vision of your future, and actionable plans.

Creating Your Goal Blueprint, Part 2: Tips From a Life Architect
Do you create wonderful goals, only to flounder when you try to make them a reality? As a Life Architect, I’ve noticed that this is often true – unless you’ve completed your goals blueprint. Learn how to create a plan to create sub-goals, identify potential obstacles and plan to overcome them to achieve your goals.

Making Your Support Network Work for You
Feeling overwhelmed? Alone? Stressed out? Building and maintaining a good support network will work wonders. Find out how!

Mapping Midlife – The Magic of Friendship
Lucy and Ethel; Rachel, Monica and Phoebe; Betty and Wilma. What do they all have in common? They were – are – lifelong friends. Somewhere out there almost any day you can find a rerun of these great friends supporting each other, sometimes annoying each other, but always there in the end.

Five Easy Steps to Repurpose Your Skills For a New Career
Ready for a new career? Whether you’re re-entering, moving up or moving on, knowing how to repurpose your skills can open new doors. What do you already know that you’re not showcasing?

Look around – most coaches offer free resources; bookstores and libraries are full of books to choose among.

The “secret to a successful midlife transition? Explore, learn, experiment!

Midlife Madness? Musings from the Cusp

What happens when, at mid-life, you wake up feeling that there must be something more? this is Anne’s story. She’s now 54, long-divorced with one adult daughter.

Here’s a short career short synopsis:
From jet mechanic in the military to legal secretary to sales professional to sales management back to sales professional. And there’s a huge difference between managing and being part of a team.

In her last career, she was doing recycling – “which is pretty much, you know, what kind of trash can I buy? And now I’m doing technology sales.”

I got fed up with technology sales. And all of this occurred during my menopause. I’m very serious. All started out at about age 50 – the rollercoaster ride. From a good management position to buying trash to what I’m doing now, which is technology sales.

In technology, recycling is sort of reverse logistics – it’s where I would meet with government – federal and state and I would procure obsolete electronic equipment because there’s a lot of money in electronic equipment. There’s a lot of gold and platinum – they have a value on the market – they’re a commodity. You can’t resell government equipment. You have to break it down into the raw commodities and put it back on the market. Smelt – you know, melt it down so it can be reused. Now on the business-to-business side, which I was not involved in, yes – that’s exactly right – we would broker it out. And whatever was not able to broker out they would strip down.

I moved into technology sales because I was ready for a change, but I don’t like it. I find that these kids – and they are – just kids – they’re half my age and they just don’t get it I was taught that when you’re at a job you run it for profit and you follow business ethics and you don’t cut corners. You don’t cut throats, you respect one another. There’s two type of people – there’s the kind – you know, when you walk into a furniture store and they’re all can I help you, can I help you and then there’s the kind of sales person who wants to build a relationship and develop that relationship. These kids don’t get relationship sales. They have this what’s in it for me mentality and I just got fed up with the whole environment. I was just fed up with these whiny, backstabbing kids. And that’s exactly what – they create drama. But it wasn’t just one company. It’s that – I mean, I’ve had other positions. I’ve some 40, 42, 43 – within this 7 or 8 year stretch – companies that I’ve worked with – these kids – and they are kids – they don’t have what we had. They aren’t taught that businesses are run for profit – that you run it as if it’s your own business – they don’t have that mentality. They have a drama queen mentality.
Well, there’s been a lot written that that generation does things very differently from us.
They do, and I don’t get it. I really and truly don’t get it. It’s a frustration. There is no book out there for our generation to understand their mentality.

I did the recycling thing for a little over a year. And I will share with you that it’s a little like a being a bottom-feeder in the food chain because you’re buying trash. I mean, so it’s like from silk dresses to jeans. I mean, literally skirts and the mentality changed too. I mean, it was like going from queen to the ugly one instead of ugly one to queen.
Humbling. Very humbling.

It was a real journey. Yeah – I really started to look at me as me. I mean, me as a bottom-feeder. You know, I guess I really allowed myself to feel kicked down. It lasted until I decided to get back into technology sales. Which was 13 months. And I don’t know if it was brought on by menopause – I mean, I really and truly don’t what brought that on – or post-menopause.I took the job because I was frustrated with dealing with all these kids and the company was – I mean, it wasn’t – it’s like corporate America is just loaded with these kids, and by corporate America, I wasn’t talking about the Cingulars, the Verizons, the AT&Ts, I’m talking about corporate America. I’m talking about the companies that are going after these young kids so that they can hire them for half of what you or I would get.
Sure – and I get that – but why recycling?

So I didn’t realize that was my next journey – my next transition, if you will. And it was a transition, because I did feel completely kicked down. I read a lot of therapy books. And start seeing a psychologist – a psychiatrist . I mean, literally, to pick myself back up. I’ve spent this whole year reading all kinds of books. I read The Art and Science of Communication: Tools for the Effective Communication in the Workplace by P.F. Perkins – she really did do a good job writing about interracial – or different groups – she writes about working with these young kids, The Last Lecture- everybody knows that was a good book, by Randy Pausch, The Secret – and then I found a really good tape called The Secret Things to God – every Sunday now I’m pretty darned religious. I don’t know that that had popped out, but now it’s back in. Keeping the Love You Find, 7 Habits of Effective People, The Power of Positive Thinking, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Giving the Love that Heals. I mean, I was really kicked down. I really, um – Your Perfect Right, which was an excellent book by Albert Nevins.

When I was growing up – and I’m a 60’s child – late 60’s , early 70’s is when I graduated, and coming from California, Haight-Ashbury – and I know that growing up I’d always heard about a generation gap. Well that’s what I feel I’m caught up in right now. It is a generation gap. And that’s what prompted me to start seeing Dr. B – was that there was such a communication gap between myself and my peers and these younger kids.

Let’s just say when you’re kicked down, it’s a a journey to pick yourself back up. It really is. And it’s a lot of self-assessment. And its not so much of looking backwards. Its living in the now and what can I do to adjust to the now.

I read a book called Parent, Adult, Child – and that’s what – what prompted all this. And I must have been just on my 50th birthday or thereabouts. And I picked it up at a garage sale. And I thought, what a good book. And I guess at that point it was just a turning point for me. And I guess I allowed myself to get kicked down. And you know, the job was not bad – it’s not like I was crawling in trash or anything, but I guess I felt kicked down, because I was feeling – I knew it was trash. It was all about association, if that makes any sense to you. And I mean seriously, if you saw my wardrobe – all silk dresses, and some Cappeli’s – I mean, I’ve got some very nice attire here – to go down to buying trash. And I don’t know if it was the hot flashes, the lack of sleep, I mean, I don’t know if it was the whole pre-menopausal that led me to be fed up with corporate America. I don’t know if it was the body changing that led to this escalation. And I do sometimes think about that. And I wonder if there are any studies on that, because I do know that there are hormonal changes. And I opted to not take any hormones. I refuse. Including that Black Cohash. 100 years ago, women didn’t do anything, so why now? I will not – knowing that my grandmother dies of cancer, my grandfather died of cancer. Nope – I will not subject myself to that.

I think I came to terms with me. I’m finally at peace in my journey of life. I’m finally at the level now that I realize that everything is OK. There’s only so much – you know, you and take on jobs and go to work and come home so unfulfilled or you can just say the hell with it. And I did. When I got out of the recycling I didn’t work for three months. I spent a good month and a half not looking for work – just looking at who am I? And journaling who am I? Where do I want to be in life? What are my goals? And it wasn’t work related goals. You know – do I want to have my house paid? Do I want to take trips? Do I want to take life a little easier now? Now that my child is grown and out of the house. Do I even want to own a house any more? And those are the things I’ve evaluating right now and assessing as far as do I want to sell my home.

And do I just want to – and I’m seriously considering – do I want to just get myself a Winnebago and travel the country. I’m seriously considering it. You know, I’ve got a good 20 years left to work, according to Social Security, if we have it last. And I can pick up little odd-and-end jobs – Walmart greeter, waitress, here and there. And just not have any responsibility. I’ve had responsibility for so many years. I’m to the point in my walk of life where I wonder do I want responsibility any more, other than to myself. And owning a home is a responsibility. Or do I want to be free like I was before I got into the working world? So I don’t know why people ever contemplate whether there would be a journey, cause I’m living it right now.

But I am – because that’s where I am – at that cusp – and I think that’s what it is – a cusp of what direction do I want to go now. I’ve worked almost half my life and do I want to work hard the rest of my life to maintain the lifestyle that I have or do I just want to become free? Because I’m not married, and I have that choice.
How does that effect your going back to sales again?

My heart is not in my job. It truly is not. My heart is really weighing towards selling my home and – and getting a Winnebago and just journeying – just travelling and meeting people. You know – living in these HOA parks and just going from park site to park .site. But what keeps me from doing it are these sexual nuts that are out there these days. We didn’t hear about that growing up. We didn’t have that magnitude. And that’s what preventing me from going forward with this particular goal or journey. I’m not sure that the number of sexual predators has increased, its just in the news more.

And I agree, but what’s the volume? You know, we didn’t have the internet, so we couldn’t see how many sex offenders and my past industry was that I was hooking up ex-offenders on the release program. I was setting offenders free. And they were being GPS tracked. So it really made me aware that we’re not talking, you know, that one in every hundred thousand are criminals. So I think that being exposed to that environment was very surreal to me. And maybe that’s what prompted me to getting kicked down. Being that I was around what I was around. I don’t know – I haven’t dug that deep, I guess. All I know is when I got out of the criminal justice system I got into the trash business. That’s the bottom line. Regardless of whether I was selling or buying or whatever, those were the industries. I got out of the criminal justice business into the trash business industry. And now I’m in the school district industry.

I’m selling software to school districts. I’ve always worked selling to state and federal agencies. I’ve always been in sales. But I’m really weighing this HOA camping business. Winnebago – that’s the deal. And I wish I could find another 50+ year old who would like to take that journey with me and just shrug responsibility other than to ourselves.
I’ll bet you can.

I know I’m at a turning point. And I truly believe I’m at a turning point in my life.
If I could, I would go back to school. I mean, to get a Winnebago with the price of gas being so low and sleeping in the Winnebago you know, and buying food and cooking food on gas or a charcoal grill is very cheap to live. You know, you can live on $15 a day. So it can extend out for a long, long time. To go to school, you have to have thousands of dollars or take out thousands of dollars of loans. And at my age the thought of having $20,000 or $30,000 in notes in front of me – it’s just, no, I don’t want that burden. Ten more years and I can go to college free. Ten more years, but I think they should change that rule and make it in the 50’s. You know how they talk about men having that mid-years crisis and men have it in their late 30’s, early 40’s? Well I really believe that women go through it in their 50’s.

I truly believe it and my friends who are in their 50’s are going through the same kind of change that I am and its an unexplainable change. And its not a physical change. Its more of a whole new mental playing field. Its seeing life from a whole different perspective, a whole different vision.

Are You Dancing at the Shame Prom?

Twenty seven courageous women write about their dance in the moving compilation of personal stories that is Dancing at the Shame Prom: Sharing the Stories That Kept Us Small. Some of the stories made me laugh; some made me cry. All of them moved me.

How, I wondered, could some of these women have survived such abuse? Could I move on from seal abuse passed off as “God’s will?” What would me life have become if my alcoholic grandfather had escheated from verbal abuse to physical? If he had poured a jar of sauerkraut over my head? These were powerful tales of survival. Some shocked me; some made me cringe.

Other stories were much lighter. I laughed at one woman’s revelation of what happened in the sandbox. I smiled in understanding as I read about the beautiful but dumb boyfriend. Some seemed beyond my understanding. I will never truly understand what it is to be biracial, but the story reminded me of what it was like to be excluded for not being Jewish enough or Italian enough or Waspy enough. There are so many ways to not quite fit and you too are likely to find emotional connections to stories that are outside your life experience.

Sometimes, it was hard to not be a little judgmental – is that really a shameful experience, I asked myself a few times. It is in these stories, though, that I found the greatest learning. I had no problem relating to the body dysmorphia shame stories, but I had a hard time seeing frizzy/curly hair as a cause for shame. Of course, I must admit I have plenty of body issues of my own but happen to really love my hair, so that has something to do with it.

So, it was a surprise to find that the hair story was one that had a strong impact on me. Every time I have recommended this wonderful book to friends, I’ve mentioned that story. I love the author’s act of courage – jumping into a pool because she promised her daughters she would and emerging with no further though about how her hair looked. Don’t go with my oversimplification – read the whole story. Read the whole book. Share it. Buy it for your friends.

Finally, think about your own participation at the shame prom. Are you a wallflower? Are you pretending you weren’t there at all? Or are you ready to speak up, own your shame and move on? I want to be as brave as these women. What about you?

Woman of the Week – Gloria’s Post-50 Tweak

When we met, Gloria was a 56 year old paraprofessional in the New York City public schools. She was the mother of three, active in church and community activities and was completing her Associates degree. I was her professor and interviewed her for a course I was taking. This is her story.

Gloria’s early childhood was divided between time with her mother in Harlem and an aunt in the South. She was independent and a bit rebellious and describes having run away from her mother’s home. She saw herself as not ready for marriage at 18:

I was never going to get married. Yup. I had this young man … we were supposed to get married, but I wasn’t ready. I ran away.

At 34, Gloria met her former fiance at a dance and agrees to marry him:

And I says to him, you know, I’m very sorry I ran away from you before. He says, “You’re not getting away from me this time.” And he was right.

And then I kind of felt like I’d been done an injustice, because we lived in Manhattan and I was going back to work and I’ commute … and he says to me we’re going to get a home … never dreaming he’s take me to hell and gone to Brooklyn! I was VERY unhappy ’cause I couldn’t go back to work.

Gloria enjoyed her children’s company, but wants to be back at work as well.

I’m very appreciative of the fact that I stayed home. Mothers don’t realize what they miss – the first walk, the first sound … I can’t say that my children were the happiest moment because with – I was so sick with Wendy and I didn’t even know it and with the boys (unexpected twins) I just couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t call that happiness, yet they’ve BROUGHT me happiness.
My … job was domestic engineer. What a drag! The cooking and the cleaning and the diapers and … oooh! I couldn’t WAIT to get back to work!

Despite her husband’s objections, she returned to work as a substitute paraprofessional:

I had to con him into letting me do that. As long as I was the old “mummy” around the house, it was fine. He complains to the children, “Mother’s always on the go.” but he never once stopped me … and I do want to have some time alone with him. Maybe we can do a little sparking … I wish it could have been different with him.

She felt that his use of “mummy” was deliberate – he liked to keep her all wrapped up. Gloria clearly was always a strong woman. her juggling multiple roles in the 50’s and 60’s was not the norm. Her return to school in her 50’s was a bold step.

But Gloria, as a result of a course that involved looking at career alternatives, took it a step further. She became involved in politics.

They decided I should run for the Area Policy Board. Joe (a professor) tried to warn me. Joe said “You’re going to have to wear many hats.” I said, “Joe, I will never wear but one hat.” It became a class lesson. He said, “If you want something for your people over here, you’re going to have to give something over there.” And I told him NO! I wasn’t going to be that kind of politician.

At the time of the interview, Paras were being phased out of the schools, but Gloria was clear she would continue to work.

Like I say, I’m 56, and I really don’t know which road I’m taking now … but I know I want to be with people … I know I see me helping – I want to reach people.

The last time I heard from Gloria, she had decided to use her people skills in the political arena. She moved on from Area Policy Board to a seat in the State Assembly by the time she was 60.

Why is Gloria my woman of the week? Because all these years later I remember her feistiness and her great compassion. Because she never let anything get in her way. Because she understood how many different ways she could use her strengths. And because she went for what she loved.

Could you be the next woman of the week? Do you know someone who should be featured? Leave a comment!

Analisa Balares – Woman of the Week

When you meet Analisa Balares, you are drawn to her gentle energy. She’s a small woman, soft-spoken, constantly in motion, and busy making huge things happen in the world. A few years from now, when she’s ensured that women have come into their full power and are running the world, I will not be at all surprised.
This is from the Womensphere website:

Analisa Leonor Balares is an emerging global leader dedicated to unleashing women’s potential, and advancing the evolution of women as leaders and innovators around the world. She is a community builder, social innovator, global entrepreneur, and mentor. For over two decades, she has been committed to women’s leadership development, sustainable development, entrepreneurship, innovation, and education, and has produced, directed, and co-produced over 100 summits, forums, and media on these themes.

In February 2008, Analisa created and launched Womensphere, a unique leadership community and global social enterprise that convenes, mobilizes, and creates platforms for action – uniting individuals, companies, networks, academic institutions, and NGOs, around the shared purpose of unleashing women’s potential and enabling the evolution of women as leaders, innovators and creators in our global society. The Womensphere global leadership community inspires, connects, and empowers women leaders, innovators, entrepreneurs, policymakers, scientists, artists, financiers, and pioneering women across all fields. Since its founding, Womensphere has reached, convened and connected over 3,500 leaders through 22 conferences, forums, and media in the United States and Europe.

I have attended several Womensphere Summits and have met the most incredible, inspiring collection of women, ranging from Caitlin Kelly, the 30-something founder of Africa Volunteer Corps and Jessica Posner, Co-Founder at 25 of Shining Hope for Communities, a non-profit that combats extreme poverty and gender inequality in Kibera – Africa’s largest slum through Angela Jia Kim, founder of Savor the Success, through Linda Cureton,CIO for NASA, Jill Tarter of SETI, and too many others to possibly list.

As Womensphere grows to include opportunities for female CEOs to come together, international events, multiple media initiatives, so too will the visibility of amazing women and the opportunities for them to meet with and learn from each other.

Analisa is a great enabler, a big thinker, and a woman who knows all things are possible. How do you embody these traits in your life and work?

Family Ties and Celebrations

I’ve just returned from a weekend in the Boston area that was filled with family. We had gathered for Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah – family from up and down the east coast and a contingent from Israel.

There were many wonderful moments of connecting, reconnecting and deepening connections. There were a series of joyous moments watching the Bat Mitzvah girl blossom into womanhood before our eyes as she described her charity project, explained the halftorah and shared the significant moments of her life and the lessons she will carry forward.

There was the fun of watching the two expectant mothers – sisters-in-law, love and spirit – sharing the moment, rejoicing over each others gifts and planning for the arrival of a boy and a girl who are scheduled to appear within a week of each other.

There was my own joy in deepening bonds with my cousins and discovering new members of the expanded family.

My favorite moment, though, was listening to my aunt reflect at the end of the weekend. As she sat in the first row of the temple, she looked around her at her children, grandchildren and extended family and realized that she had created all this. The mother of four, grandmother of five with six and seven on the way, in this moment she, for the first time, experienced herself as the matriarch of our family. She’s now the most senior member and has come into full realization of her accomplishments and pride in her extended family. She’s excited about being a part of the future of her grandchildren. Her glow matched the mothers-to-be.

So, even as I celebrated my cousins over the weekend, today I celebrate my aunt. I remember how all my girlfriends wanted to grow up to be just like her. I am awed by how she managed four children as a single parent. I am amazed at how she maintained an active career until just a few months ago.

And I celebrate my family and our collective and individual futures.

Gossamer – Stronger Than Steel

At the recent Womensphere event, Abha Dawesar spoke about spider silk. It is, she said, stringer than steel. Gossamer – doesn’t the name sound ephemeral? Fragile and glistening are words that come to mind. In fact, the U.S. Army is studying spider silk as a material for bulletproof vests.

Spider silk is versatile as well. There are at least five different kinds, each designed for a different purpose. Yes, the spider multitasks. She produces silk for building, silk for nurturing and silk for capturing and storing food.

So many women I know are strong and resilient. They hold many times their weight in responsibilities. They stretch themselves thinner and thinner and bounce back.

Are you made of spider silk?