Everyone Can Be a Coach?

Posted on May 16, 2012 by DrSusan| 10 Comments

Thomas Leonard, called by many the father of modern coaching, always said everyone can be a coach. I’m not altogether sold on that. What I do believe, though, is that everyone can and should use coaching skills. The kind of clear, open communication, deep listening, and support that exist within a coaching relationship can be learned and would enhance all our relationships.

The International Association of Coaching created nine Coaching Masteries™ that create a framework that describe excellence in coaching. They also describe a set of skills that could enhance the work of managers, health care professionals, teachers, parents, and, in fact, anyone who interacts with other people.

Here’s a quick look at the IAC Coaching Masteries™:

1. Establishing and maintaining a relationship of trust.

This is about creating a supportive relationship and a safe space for personal transformation. What would it be like if every teacher practiced this skill? How much more would our children learn?

2. Perceiving, affirming and expanding the client’s potential.

This one could change the world if we all tried it. What can you notice that’s special in everyone you encounter/ Do you let them know?

3. Engaged listening

Most managers have had training in Active Listening. And many forget to use the skills. Are you paying full attention to the conversations you’re in? Are you attuned to the subtleties? Body language? Intonation? There’s valuable information there.

4. Processing in the present.

How often do you drift in a conversation? How often are you focused on anything but the present moment? Staying in the present helps us avoid judgements. It stops the act of putting things off and the fantasy that all we need to do is wait. Processing in the present keeps coach and client, manager and staff, teacher and student focused on what is really going on.

5. Expressing

Sounds simple, right? This is about going beyond simple talking to being aware of all aspects of communication.

6. Clarifying

How can we communicate in ways that are clear, simple and direct? How can we help someone else set and maintain clear goals? Managers should have this as an integral part of their skill set. Health care workers could use this Mastery to work towards real health.

8. Inviting possibilities.

Are you curious? Do you wonder, “what if?” Do you explore not only all the available options but invent a few more?  this is expansion a its best.

9. Helping clients create and use supportive environments.

How can we all help each other develop and maintain support networks? How can teachers, managers, parents, friends encourage growth?

That’s a quick glimpse of a system that can work for all of us. How can you incorporate these into your life?

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Posted in coaching, personal growth, tools and techniques, Uncategorized

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You Might as Well Laugh

Posted on May 15, 2012 by DrSusan| 3 Comments

It’s May on the calendar and it’s been winter outside my window forever. Pretty much winter in my office too – I’ve got three layers of clothing on and the sandals in my closet are mocking me. No one I know actually saw the epic full moon Saturday because the cloud cover was so dense.
I started my morning and ended my day with two spectacular coaching calls. both clients had incredible breakthroughs and I was dancing. I’m still smiling.
But what I want to talk about is the time between those two calls. When I spoke to my own coach, I had a long, long list of complaints. And I just let loose with them. The list was so long that it made me laugh – and that’s how the call ended – with both of us sharing a lovely, long laugh. Sometimes, when things seem really bad and you can’t see a way out, you might as well laugh. So we did.
It was a very full day. I had six client calls that followed the same pattern. The clients all work for the same organization and are suffering various degrees of stress and overload in the wake of several significant retirements and two waves of layoffs. One has a boss who is prone to shouting. Another has an ever-increasing workload. A third has a subordinate who has taken passive-aggressive behavior to new levels. We’ve been working through these and similar issues with varying degrees of success. Today, though, was pretty much about complaining.
I let everyone vent. Sometimes, that’s the best coaching – just listen and go along for the ride. And I encouraged it. Exaggerated it. Egged them on. Until they laughed. Six depressed people became six people who were able to find some humor in their situation.
Sometimes – often, really, we can work on ourselves or with our coaches or with our clients to craft brilliant action plans. Sometimes we can take some baby steps towards change. And sometimes, we just can’t. And when you can’t, you can at least shift the mood.
When the going gets tough, you might as well laugh.

Previously posted on the Expanding Your Comfort Zone blog.

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Posted in choices, Happiness, tools and techniques

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Overburdened? Put-upon? Why?

Posted on May 11, 2012 by DrSusan| 2 Comments

In the past few months, more people than usual have been asking me to do things. Sound familiar? Somehow, projects seem to come in clusters, don’t they. And somehow, it’s easy to forget how many projects I’ve already said yes to. And somehow, it’s hard to say no.

So, sometimes I feel like this -

Put-upon. Very, very put-upon. And resentful. Very, very resentful. Why?
It’s so easy to go to a negative space. Why me? Why couldn’t they ask someone else? Don’t they see how busy I am?

Sometimes I feel resentful. Especially when the person asking doesn’t seem willing to take no for an answer. Or tells me that they’ve managed to fit one more thing into their busy life. Or tells me I’ll have lots of support. Or tells me it will be good for me to take on this responsibility.

I knew that I had work to do if I wanted to say no cleanly to the latest request. So, of course, I called my coach. We teased out my reactions. We looked at the motivations I was ascribing to other people. We eliminated several pounds of unwelcome mind-chatter.

I had been feeling tricked because the scope of the project was revealed in bits and pieces. I had been feeling angry that other people seemed to feel they knew what was best for me. As we peeled away the levels, I found myself laughing about the situation.

No one was acting out of malice or bad motives. They simply found a way to solve an organizational problem. They were putting the organization first. And, having found a workable solution (from their viewpoint) were not willing to move on to another. With my coach’s help, I was able to see that that was them. Not me. The solution works well for them. Not me. And, essentially, their need to move on is really not my problem. It’s theirs.

So, I’m going to use that word I’m always telling my clients they need to use. No. Yes, I am flattered; yes, I do understand why you asked me, but no. I can’t do this right now. Thank you for asking.

If they are disappointed, they will deal with it and move on. I will not hold their disappointment. I will not feel guilty for taking care of myself. In fact, I’m absolutely delighted to acknowledge my capacity and – yes – limitations.

I knew what I wanted all along. With a little great coaching, I was able to be comfortable with my decision – to make it without guilt or resentment.
Taking the time to examine my feelings and separate facts from stories and reframe made all the difference.

And now I feel like this -

*Previously posted on the Expanding Your Comfort Zone blog.

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Posted in action, choices, coaching

How’s Your Vision?

Posted on February 29, 2012 by DrSusan| Leave a comment

I’m thinking about vision today because I’ve just rediscovered Leading People: the 8 proven principles for success in business.

Rosen’s eight principles: Vision, Trust, Participation, Learning, Diversity, Integrity and Community are a great basis for leadership excellence. As the workplace becomes increasingly complex, the economy remains uncertain, workloads increase and stress levels rise, these are important principles.

These are also important principles for coaches and as I revisit them I wonder how I can continue to incorporate them in my coaching work with executive managers and how I can interpret them through the lens of the nine *IAC Masteries®. That will be a challenge over the next few weeks – one that I will be sharing here and at Expanding Your Comfort Zone. So, here goes ….

Leadership – at work or in your own life – can be daunting at best. I don’t see how it’s possible at all without a clear vision. A favorite quote is

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re liable to end up somewhere else.

This seems true in all aspects of life, and especially in leadership. How can you move others forward – help them achieve their best – if you don’t have a clear picture of the end-point? How can you hope to achieve your personal goals if you don’t have a clear vision of what you want?

In one of the best strategic moves I’ve seen, a large non-profit took almost a year to work on their vision statement. Every department was asked to submit vision statements. A group worked with all the statements to create a single statement that reflected what was most important: (We are) a kaleidoscope: reframing relationships, embracing change, creating opportunities.

At an agency-wide kick-off, each staff member was given a kaleidoscope. Then the real work began.  Every unit went back and created their own personal version of the vision. These were posted alongside the Agency vision at every location. For these people, there was no guessing about the vision, the overall direction. One had only to look at the wall. Every day, planning could start with that vision. Every leader and every staff member could start their day asking, “How will I live our vision today?”

Almost every personal development source begins with creating a vision. It’s a constant theme in Mike Dooley’s work. In Manifesting Matisse, Dr. Michelle Nielsen suggests creating small vision boards that can be taped up all over the house or office so that you can always see your vision. This makes it very easy to think of what steps you might be taking in any moment to move i the right direction. (Don’t leave the ACTION out of the Law of AttrACTION!)

As coaches, that same question might inform our preparation for every client meeting. What’s my vision? How will that inform the way I work today? How will it help me help my clients achieve their vision? It’s just one of the many ways we can bring the Masteries® to life.

*Learn more about the Masteries® at the International Association of Coaching site.

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Posted in leadership, personal growth, vision

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Disappointment and Happiness

Posted on January 2, 2012 by DrSusan| Leave a comment


Yes, you hold your happiness in your own hands. I’m reading Chip Conley’s Emotional Equations: Simple Truths for Creating Happiness and Success and was struck by this: Disappointment = Expectations – Reality. He quotes Alexander Pope.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

or,

Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to remember that life does not always work out exactly as we might expect. Sometimes, altering our expectations can be a good thing. Conley suggests, as an alternative, altering our beliefs about reality. Lincoln, he reminds us, led a life full of disappointments and lowered expectations. He became pragmatic about outcomes. He continued to set lofty goals and moved on to the next if he did not achieve the original goal.

I think, this year, I’m going to continue to aim high, periodically evaluate my version of reality and, from time to time, adjust the target a bit.

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Posted in Happiness, Reframing

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The 55 Days of Christmas? Twelve Survival Tips! (my annual tradition)

Posted on December 23, 2011 by DrSusan| Leave a comment

Yes – this post is back again – just like the Christmas shopping season. A little late, this year, but still timely.

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Did you notice the Christmas decorations going up on Halloween? Did a chill run down your spine? The holiday season seems to be getting longer and longer and shorter. Yes, shorter. Look at the expectations this season puts on you.

Fifty five days are nowhere near enough to achieve Countess MarthaRachelNigelaPaula FoodNetwork perfection. I’m not sure I’m even up to Real Simple standards. So much to do! Are your cards out? Did you shop ’til you dropped on Black Friday? Did you make wonderful decorations out of recycled materials? Have you picked the absolutely perfect gift for everyone on your list? Do you have color-coordinated wrapping paper, tags, and ribbon? Can you tie a perfect bow?

When will you be having your holiday party? What will you serve? What will you wear to everyone else’s event? Do you know what to tip your hairdresser? What’s the politically correct holiday greeting? So many questions, so little time!

Holiday madness really set in when I visited a friend for Thanksgiving a few years back. She had decided that she didn’t feel up to cooking, so she ordered from her local supermarket. And then began to obsess. It wouldn’t taste good. There wouldn’t be enough. Turkey, cranberry sauce, whole wheat rolls, roasted butternut squash, mashed potatoes and a pumpkin pie clearly was not enough for five people.

We added extra side dishes – home made cranberry sauce, candied chestnuts, fruit stuffing, baked onions, candied sweets, baked sweets, peas with fresh mushrooms and three more pies. Oh – and at the last minute she ran back for a turkey breast – just in case.

Everything tasted great, and we all had a good time, but it really made me think about how easy it is to get caught up in holiday excess. So – how will you have a peaceful holiday season? Here are a few simple suggestions.

1. Just like Santa, make a list and check it twice. While you’re checking, do a little reality check. Are you buying gifts for too many people? Are you planning on spending an unrealistic amount on each? Have you burdened yourself with impossible-to-find items? (No, my cousin will probably NOT get that antique fruit bowl this year.)

2. Only accept invitations that make you happy. If that means none, go for it! An unbreakable prior engagement is always a valid excuse. No one needs to know that the engagement may be with your couch.

3. Wear comfortable clothes. Always. Don’t let tight shoes or a dubious neckline spoil your fun.

4. Shop in comfortable shoes. Carry your wallet someplace easy for you to reach but hard for anyone else to get at. Don’t burden yourself down with too many packages.

5. Buy on line. Presents, dinner, cards, reservations – all just a click away.

6. If you must send packages, remember that the Postal Service will now pick up packages at your home.

7. Don’t bake unless you would go into a serious depression if deprived of the experience. If you do bake, set limits. I will never again have more containers of cookies than can fit on a fully extended kitchen table.

8. This one is for next year. Pick up interesting gifts throughout the year. If you travel, this is a great way to have truly unique gifts. Just don’t forget where you put them. Last year I gave several lovely objects I’d bought in Sicily three years ago. I’d put them in a safe place. At least they eventually surfaced.

9. Simplicity is very classy. Repeat that twenty times, then start cutting back on your plans.

10. Gift cards are a wonderful thing. Want to give the perfect gift? Not only are gift cards perfect, but you can fit them in your carry-on luggage.

11. Travel light. Carry your pills, jewelry and one-ounce containers or the liquids you need. Wear something comfortable and a bit classy so that if your luggage is lost you’re reasonably prepared.

12. Block out time on your calendar to do absolutely nothing but take care of yourself – whether that means go to a movie, meditate, get a massage, or just take a nap. Pace yourself.

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Posted in holidays, tools and techniques

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A Few Thoughts on Innovation

Posted on November 12, 2011 by DrSusan| Leave a comment

Lately, in preparation for the next round of executive coaching with a major City agency, I’ve been thinking about innovation. Here are a few interesting articles and blog posts that I’ve found recently:

Encourage Talent if You Want it to Grow by Steve Roesler discusses how to offer real encouragement rather than just providing lip service.

Nicholas Schriver cites a recent blog post by Seth Godin in his post on Facing a Changing Business Model: How to React. He underscores the importance of not thinking we can simply cobble the new onto the old and expect it to work.

Finally, in Slate, Henry Farrell and Cosma Shalizi tell us to Nudge No More if we expect people to make good decisions.

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Posted in tools and techniques, Workplace

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Ready to Redesign Your Life?

Posted on November 1, 2011 by DrSusan| Leave a comment

Yes, that’s a blueprint. In all the years that I’ve been coaching, my work seems to come back to one thing. I’m incredibly good at helping people figure out a life plan and then figure out how to implement it. Over time, I’ve talked about mapping, organizing, implementing goals – many names, same theme.

Here’s the thing – if you don’t know where you’ve going, you’re liable to end up somewhere else. And, sometimes, you just can’t figure out where you’re going. You need someone who can see things from a different perspective. You need someone who is good at puzzles. And synthesis. And invention. Who can think – if not bigger than you – differently than you.

That’s what I love to do. And I do it well. So, I’m taking a minute to brag about my two new Life Design Blueprint programs. The details are here: Blueprint Coaching In November, I’ll be holding free preview classes. You can sign up here if you’d like to stop by and kick the tires.

2012 is coming. Do you know where your future is?

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Posted in change, tools and techniques

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Occupy Wall Street, Symphony Space and the Beat Goes On

Posted on October 23, 2011 by DrSusan| Leave a comment

Pete Seeger is no stranger to protest, and neither is his grandson, Tao, nor Arlo Guthrie, nor Toshi Reagon, nor any of the other artists at the Power of Song Award Concert.

Here are a few pictures from October 21, 2011, a day that started with catching the Columbia University Marching Band at Zucotti Park and ended with marching to Columbus Circle with many of those who were at the concert.

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Posted in change, World View

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Blazing a Trail in Leadership and Life Part 5

Posted on October 8, 2011 by DrSusan| 2 Comments

From WikiHow:

4. Cut down or flatten all trees and bushes to make the path. Leave some plants growing at the entrances if you want to make it a hidden trail.
5. Clean up the dead bushes. Remove and rocks that could trip people.

This is where you make your trail attractive to whomever might follow it. You’ve done all your research. You know the environment. You know what will and will not work in this space. You know your desired endpoint and you are prepared for every obstacle. The path is wide enough to accommodate those who will use it.

Change, like a new trail, should be attractive to those who choose it. The foliage needs to be out of the way in the main part of the trail, but you may want to surround your trail with attractive shrubs or even flowers. The view along the way might serve as an incentive.

In the workplace, a change – a new trail – is most successful if it appears to be attractive. If all anyone can see are obstacles or if the path is full of dead branches or rocks, it’s likely that many will turn away.

Similarly, in life, if the trail seems to rough many of us just won’t try. Are you ready to climb a mountain or are you looking for a lovely walk in the park? Is your weight loss plan several months at The Biggest Loser boot camp or cutting carbs and adding yoga classes? Create a path that is attractive to you.

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Posted in change, tools and techniques, Workplace

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