Disappointment and Happiness


Yes, you hold your happiness in your own hands. I’m reading Chip Conley’s Emotional Equations: Simple Truths for Creating Happiness and Success and was struck by this: Disappointment = Expectations – Reality. He quotes Alexander Pope.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

or,

Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to remember that life does not always work out exactly as we might expect. Sometimes, altering our expectations can be a good thing. Conley suggests, as an alternative, altering our beliefs about reality. Lincoln, he reminds us, led a life full of disappointments and lowered expectations. He became pragmatic about outcomes. He continued to set lofty goals and moved on to the next if he did not achieve the original goal.

I think, this year, I’m going to continue to aim high, periodically evaluate my version of reality and, from time to time, adjust the target a bit.

The 55 Days of Christmas? Twelve Survival Tips! (my annual tradition)

Yes – this post is back again – just like the Christmas shopping season. A little late, this year, but still timely.

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Did you notice the Christmas decorations going up on Halloween? Did a chill run down your spine? The holiday season seems to be getting longer and longer and shorter. Yes, shorter. Look at the expectations this season puts on you.

Fifty five days are nowhere near enough to achieve Countess MarthaRachelNigelaPaula FoodNetwork perfection. I’m not sure I’m even up to Real Simple standards. So much to do! Are your cards out? Did you shop ’til you dropped on Black Friday? Did you make wonderful decorations out of recycled materials? Have you picked the absolutely perfect gift for everyone on your list? Do you have color-coordinated wrapping paper, tags, and ribbon? Can you tie a perfect bow?

When will you be having your holiday party? What will you serve? What will you wear to everyone else’s event? Do you know what to tip your hairdresser? What’s the politically correct holiday greeting? So many questions, so little time!

Holiday madness really set in when I visited a friend for Thanksgiving a few years back. She had decided that she didn’t feel up to cooking, so she ordered from her local supermarket. And then began to obsess. It wouldn’t taste good. There wouldn’t be enough. Turkey, cranberry sauce, whole wheat rolls, roasted butternut squash, mashed potatoes and a pumpkin pie clearly was not enough for five people.

We added extra side dishes – home made cranberry sauce, candied chestnuts, fruit stuffing, baked onions, candied sweets, baked sweets, peas with fresh mushrooms and three more pies. Oh – and at the last minute she ran back for a turkey breast – just in case.

Everything tasted great, and we all had a good time, but it really made me think about how easy it is to get caught up in holiday excess. So – how will you have a peaceful holiday season? Here are a few simple suggestions.

1. Just like Santa, make a list and check it twice. While you’re checking, do a little reality check. Are you buying gifts for too many people? Are you planning on spending an unrealistic amount on each? Have you burdened yourself with impossible-to-find items? (No, my cousin will probably NOT get that antique fruit bowl this year.)

2. Only accept invitations that make you happy. If that means none, go for it! An unbreakable prior engagement is always a valid excuse. No one needs to know that the engagement may be with your couch.

3. Wear comfortable clothes. Always. Don’t let tight shoes or a dubious neckline spoil your fun.

4. Shop in comfortable shoes. Carry your wallet someplace easy for you to reach but hard for anyone else to get at. Don’t burden yourself down with too many packages.

5. Buy on line. Presents, dinner, cards, reservations – all just a click away.

6. If you must send packages, remember that the Postal Service will now pick up packages at your home.

7. Don’t bake unless you would go into a serious depression if deprived of the experience. If you do bake, set limits. I will never again have more containers of cookies than can fit on a fully extended kitchen table.

8. This one is for next year. Pick up interesting gifts throughout the year. If you travel, this is a great way to have truly unique gifts. Just don’t forget where you put them. Last year I gave several lovely objects I’d bought in Sicily three years ago. I’d put them in a safe place. At least they eventually surfaced.

9. Simplicity is very classy. Repeat that twenty times, then start cutting back on your plans.

10. Gift cards are a wonderful thing. Want to give the perfect gift? Not only are gift cards perfect, but you can fit them in your carry-on luggage.

11. Travel light. Carry your pills, jewelry and one-ounce containers or the liquids you need. Wear something comfortable and a bit classy so that if your luggage is lost you’re reasonably prepared.

12. Block out time on your calendar to do absolutely nothing but take care of yourself – whether that means go to a movie, meditate, get a massage, or just take a nap. Pace yourself.

A Few Thoughts on Innovation

Lately, in preparation for the next round of executive coaching with a major City agency, I’ve been thinking about innovation. Here are a few interesting articles and blog posts that I’ve found recently:

Encourage Talent if You Want it to Grow by Steve Roesler discusses how to offer real encouragement rather than just providing lip service.

Nicholas Schriver cites a recent blog post by Seth Godin in his post on Facing a Changing Business Model: How to React. He underscores the importance of not thinking we can simply cobble the new onto the old and expect it to work.

Finally, in Slate, Henry Farrell and Cosma Shalizi tell us to Nudge No More if we expect people to make good decisions.

Ready to Redesign Your Life?

Yes, that’s a blueprint. In all the years that I’ve been coaching, my work seems to come back to one thing. I’m incredibly good at helping people figure out a life plan and then figure out how to implement it. Over time, I’ve talked about mapping, organizing, implementing goals – many names, same theme.

Here’s the thing – if you don’t know where you’ve going, you’re liable to end up somewhere else. And, sometimes, you just can’t figure out where you’re going. You need someone who can see things from a different perspective. You need someone who is good at puzzles. And synthesis. And invention. Who can think – if not bigger than you – differently than you.

That’s what I love to do. And I do it well. So, I’m taking a minute to brag about my two new Life Design Blueprint programs. The details are here: Blueprint Coaching In November, I’ll be holding free preview classes. You can sign up here if you’d like to stop by and kick the tires.

2012 is coming. Do you know where your future is?

Occupy Wall Street, Symphony Space and the Beat Goes On

Pete Seeger is no stranger to protest, and neither is his grandson, Tao, nor Arlo Guthrie, nor Toshi Reagon, nor any of the other artists at the Power of Song Award Concert.

Here are a few pictures from October 21, 2011, a day that started with catching the Columbia University Marching Band at Zucotti Park and ended with marching to Columbus Circle with many of those who were at the concert.

Blazing a Trail in Leadership and Life Part 5

From WikiHow:

4. Cut down or flatten all trees and bushes to make the path. Leave some plants growing at the entrances if you want to make it a hidden trail.
5. Clean up the dead bushes. Remove and rocks that could trip people.

This is where you make your trail attractive to whomever might follow it. You’ve done all your research. You know the environment. You know what will and will not work in this space. You know your desired endpoint and you are prepared for every obstacle. The path is wide enough to accommodate those who will use it.

Change, like a new trail, should be attractive to those who choose it. The foliage needs to be out of the way in the main part of the trail, but you may want to surround your trail with attractive shrubs or even flowers. The view along the way might serve as an incentive.

In the workplace, a change – a new trail – is most successful if it appears to be attractive. If all anyone can see are obstacles or if the path is full of dead branches or rocks, it’s likely that many will turn away.

Similarly, in life, if the trail seems to rough many of us just won’t try. Are you ready to climb a mountain or are you looking for a lovely walk in the park? Is your weight loss plan several months at The Biggest Loser boot camp or cutting carbs and adding yoga classes? Create a path that is attractive to you.

Reflections on a Friday Morning

Autumn is always a time for reflection and new beginnings for me, and, in the midst of the Jewish High Holy Days, it is all the more appropriate to think about the past year and set new goals.

One thing that has become increasingly clear to me is the importance of faith, so I’m sharing part of a poem by Daiseko Ikeda:

Faith is
to fear nothing
to stand unswayed
the power to surmount any obstacle

Faith is
the source from which all solutions flow

Faith is
the engine that propels us in the thrilling voyage of life, a life victorious and transcendent.

Wishing everyone productive reflection, happiness, great plans and faith.

Blazing a Trail in Life and Leadership Part 4

From WikiHow:

3. Plan the direction of the trail. Check to see if any unmovable obstacles, such as fences, boulders, large trees, or streams will disrupt things.

Where are you going? The Cheshire Cat said, “If you don’t care where you’re going, any path will get you there.” As you plan for change in your business or in your life, it just makes sense to think about the direction as you begin to blaze the trail.

This relates to the environmental scan. Know what is going on in your organization or in your own life. Know who supports you; know whose support you will need to enlist; know who might be an obstacle. If you know the obstacles, you can plan how to remove them or work around them.

Are there objects you simply can’t get around? When I assess my own life, I find a number of immovable objects. Some, I can navigate around; others cause me to reconsider my path. I’m just not built for runway modeling. The obstacles are not ones that I can realistically overcome, so it’s a good thing that this isn’t my chosen path. I want to be able to coach disenfranchised women who can’t afford – and may not even know about – coaching. I can build any number of paths around this rock or use leverage like independent funding to get around this and continue on this path.

In organizations, I often coach managers who want to get financial rewards for their staff. In hard times and in the face of bureaucratic restrictions, this might seem like an enormous wall. Further inspection might suggest alternate paths, like reclassifying the job, that will achieve the goal. Where will you simply ford a stream? Where will you build a bridge?

How can your plan be disrupted? Are there negative people who seem to be obstacles? Regulations? Unions? Force of tradition (we’ve always done it this way)? Plan your direction. Assess the landscape. Identify the obstacles and make a plan to deal with each of them to blaze a successful trail.

Blazing a Trail in Leadership and Life Part 3

From WikiHow:

Plan the width of the trail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What, specifically, are you trying to carve out?

Perhaps you are choosing a personal trail – making a change in your own life. Your trail will probably be narrow. If you are blazing this trail in an organization it will be wider. How wide? Are you leading a small unit or are you creating broader organizational change? Are you hoping for a few early adopters or do you need total buy-in? Will you need to create a trail that can be widened as more people follow the new path?

Will your trail be direct or meandering? Will it be quick and dirty or planned and beautifully executed? WikiHow does not address this. Still, it figures into your decision on how you will blaze your trail. A direct path might suggest the straightest, shortest path – no frills, not necessarily neat and tidy. This may be driven by a sense of urgency or immediacy. Leaders must sometimes forge ahead, cut through the underbrush and get somewhere quickly. As more people adopt the change, there will be opportunities to tidy up the borders or pave the trail. There’s a place for this sort of “ready, fire, aim!” sort of trailblazing.

Some trails are blazed after considerable planning and preparation. In your personal life this might be a career change or moving into a committed relationship or parenting. These trails may involve much more planning. They may be meandering, taking the scenery (your surroundings, preferences, lifestyle) into account. These trails may be more beautiful, well paved, free of any potential hazards. What do you want to consider as you initiate major life changes?

As a leader in an organization, you will also do a lot of planning for major changes. Will you blaze this trail all at once or in incremental stages? Will you pave the trail to make the transition as easy as possible? Will you offer rest stops and enticements along the way to facilitate movement along the new trail?

What will your trail look like?

Blazing a Trail in Leadership and Life Part 2

From WikiHow:
1. Assess the density and type of foliage the area has growing and equip yourself with the stuff from the “Things You’ll Need” accordingly.

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The first thing that it makes sense to do before initiating any change (blazing a trail) – whether in your business or yourself – is to do an environmental scan. That means looking at the situation from every angle to determine what exists and analyzing the current situation in terms of your desired outcome. I this step, you are dealing with the broad issue o wanting a change. In a later step, you will have the opportunity to get specific about the change.

These questions can be asked What’s going on in your life or workplace? Too much? Dense foliage. Not enough? Sparse. These answers relate to the degree of change desired as well as the challenges inherent. If you or the organization are reluctant to change, you have a dense foliage situation and can expect that the process will take some time. If you are an early adopter, the foliage is sparse and initiating change will be easy. When facing sparse foliage, though, you may want to take the extra step to be sure that this is really where you want a new trail. Is this a desirable, supportable change or are you changing for the sake of change?

Will you be dealing with tall weeds and grasses or thorny bushes and trees? Before initiating a change it will be useful to know the degree of difficulty. And the tools required. Trees and thorny bushes will require heavier tools and thick gloves. Don’t be fooled by the tall grass, though. As in the wild, in life there can be surprises in the tall grass. Know that you may be brought up short as you blaze this trail and be prepared with an array of tools – coaching, communication skills, research skills – to move forward.

What types of things keep increasing in your life or organization? Decreasing? Are these the things you want? What activities are you involved in? Are these the ones you want? These questions relate to the nature of the trail you will blaze and the ultimate destination.

Look to the future. What are the benefits of this trail? How will the change serve you or your organization? You’ll want this information when we move on to determining the size of the trail.